Ahh, high school programming class. We were using TRS-80s (even then, they were old) and 80-column paper to code in BASIC. Sometimes, when a student who was stuck would raise their hand, our teacher would call out, "you need professional help!"
"Fortunately, I'm a professional," he would add, coming over to the student. "How can I help?"
I recently read How to Ask for Help Without Looking Stupid, a blog post by Ian Kiprono. Ian gives five main pieces of advice for asking for help, including one of my favorites: "ask in public when possible." Yes please!
However, Ian also has a sixth point lurking: explain the urgency without panic.
I agree. But why might panic—or other emotional outbursts—be counterproductive when asking for help?
Caution: shouting ahead
Let's look at a few typical emotional outbursts that may accompany a request for help:
- Panic: "THIS IS A HUGE PROBLEM!!! PLEASE HELP!!!!"
- Demanding: "I need assistance IMMEDIATELY!!!"
- Self-deprecation: "Sorry for being so stupid!! I should know this already..."
- Irritation: "Why doesn't this trash ever work?! This place is a MESS!!"
Whew. All the charged words, capital letters, and exclamation points... so unpleasant to read.
People might look the other way rather than get involved. They were game for answering your question, but not for dealing with your intense emotional state as well.
Believe me, I'm not against emotions, even at work. It's scary to be stuck and not sure what to do. It's unnerving to be on the hook for something and have to depend on someone else for help. Being a developer can be frustrating, discouraging, and maddening. And, when it all finally works, glorious.
But you'll have better luck if the feelings aren't a central part of the package when you're asking others for help.
What if it's really urgent though?
You can still communicate urgency and importance without caps lock and extra punctuation. Just state the facts:
- Production is down until we fix this.
- We have a call with the VP about this at 3pm.
- If we can't get this resolved by Thursday morning, we'll have to cancel our stakeholder demo.
Notice that you're also clarifying exactly how urgent something is. "We're losing money by the second" and "we need it by next week" are very different. Furthermore, someone might know otherwise: "don't worry about the VP call, it got postponed."
So... I shouldn't talk about feelings?
Definitely not saying that!
There's nothing wrong with mentioning how you feel, including while asking a question.
- "I've tried [A, B, and C] and I still get the same error. Super frustrating. What else can I try?"
- "I'm so confused. It spontaneously started working at 10:18, but only for 5 minutes. What could be causing this?"
- "Starting to panic, because the batch will fail if we don't have this fixed by 4pm. Can we manually correct today's batch to buy us time?"
Do you see how these are different from the emotional outbursts above? You're acknowledging your emotion (frustration, confusion, panic), but staying focused on the question at hand. And you're staying calm, which will make it easier for others to help you.
Emotions can provide clues
With a little self-reflection, your uncomfortable emotions can provide clues about what could be improved for the future. Examples:
Did you panic? Maybe later you say to your team: "It's very stressful to have major problems with batches right before 4pm. What can we do to make sure our batches go more smoothly?"
Let's say some self-deprecating thoughts arose. What's going on? Can you address that? You might later reach out to your tech lead: "I keep getting stuck on the authentication code. Could I work with someone to get up to speed on it?"
Or maybe you're inclined to address Team Z in all caps because your team doesn't feel heard. You could ask your manager for assistance: "Team Z is slow to respond when we need help. We're all frustrated. How can we make sure we get the help we need when we need it?"
It's also okay to "seek professional help" from someone other than a professional fellow developer. For example, if the panic and stress are unrelenting, if your self-doubt and anxiety won't give it a break, or if you're dealing with a recurring conflict with a colleague, consider talking it over with your manager, a trusted mentor or coach, or a mental health professional. Sometimes it's time to ask for help not with the code but with something stressful other than the work itself. That's okay too.
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