This email does NOT try to answer the following question:

I already wrote a blog post here about that.

This newsletter is about something else entirely.

We wonder aloud about things we don't understand. But we're often just using the question as a rhetorical statement.

• "Why can't we just..."
• "Why don't they understand that..."
• "Why do people always..."

You can practice listening for phrases like this. They're not always in the form of a question:

• "I just don't understand how they can..."
• "I don't see what's so hard about this."
• "This makes absolutely no sense."

We're admitting that we don't know. But we're giving up on being able to know.

Instead of speculating, investigating, asking... we're just shaking our heads.

And in doing so, we're casting blame onto what we don't understand. I don't understand, so it must be wrong.

It could even be ourselves that we blame. "Why am I having such a hard time with this? What's my problem?"

What if we spent some time answering these rhetorical questions?

Example: click the button already!

Let's say I am waiting for another team to do something for me. I need them to click a button. That's it. One button. They don't need to choose other options beforehand, they don't need to wait for a result after, they don't even need to hit Save after clicking it.

But it's been a week, and I'm still waiting.

"Why haven't they done this already?? What's taking them so long? What's so hard about a simple button click?"

I can't imagine what could possibly be preventing them from getting this done.

Is that really true, that I can't imagine it?

What if I imagine that I had been asked to click a button a week ago and I still hadn't done it? Why wouldn't I have done it?

Some possibilities:

• I have been out, and nobody else could help you.
• The system had a glitch and I never got the request.
• There's a major incident, and I haven't even had time to read your request, let alone reply.
• I clicked the wrong button by accident, so now I think it's done but only you know it isn't.
• Clicking the button has repercussions you're not aware of and I'm resolving them all for you.
• I don't have access to click the button and I'm waiting for access.
• You didn't say it was urgent, so I'm batching the dozens of these requests for "button clicking day" every other Friday.
• My boss has a personal grudge against your team, and we get yelled at every time we try to help you.
• I can't mention it, but there's a lawsuit, and we're forbidden to touch the buttons.
• The button click failed, but you botched your email address and I haven't been able to reach you.

On and on and on.

In other words, when I'm the one who has to push the button, I can think of any number of explanations for why it might not be going according to plan.

Remember that, by our own admission, we don't know what's going on. By speculating, we've merely expanded the possibilities in our minds. Unless we can get the real story, we are no closer to knowing what's going on.

However, curiosity and speculation can help us consider alternatives to harsh judgment. This allows us to be more compassionate. This world needs more compassion.

Can we be more compassionate towards ourselves in the same way? Sure. Let's look at another example.

Example two: you clicked the wrong button

Let's say you clicked the wrong button and that caused a problem. "Why did I do that?" you might say to yourself. "What's the matter with me??"

In this case, you can't mentally trade places with the person you're wondering about, because you're wondering about yourself. So, instead, imagine what you might say to a good friend who was in your place.

Your friend says, "ugh, why did I do that?"

And you say:

• You've been working long hours recently. This is the sort of error that happens when people are overworked.
• That screen is badly designed - all the buttons look more or less alike. It's really easy to click the wrong one. Maybe we should advocate for a simple redesign.
• Any one of us might have made the same error in your situation. This isn't about you.

Maybe once you're feeling a little more compassionate towards yourself, you can stop the self-blame long enough to get to the bottom of the problem. "Wait, wasn't this the correct button to click when we were running version 2.9 of this program? They added a new option in version 3.1 that changes how this screen works. I'll send a quick email to the team to alert them that this screen has changed as of last month when we updated. Also, maybe we can get them to change the wording on this screen to be clearer. It's confusing the way it is written now."

And with that, you're getting a real, useful answer to your question. Instead of wringing your hands in angst, you're solving problems and preventing future stress.

Listen for it

Someone told me once that if you have a song stuck in your head, stop to actually listen to what song it is and what the words are. Ever since then, I've been amused by how often some song I have stuck in my head happens to be an appropriate comment on what I'm thinking about.

Similarly here: when you hear yourself saying "I just don't understand why that keeps happening...," stop and ask yourself the question. Why does that keep happening?

Let me know if that proves interesting.

Tiny life update

After five years of fending off Covid with vaccines, I had Covid! Fortunately fairly mild, and thanks to Paxlovid, all better now. Science for the win.

Drop me a note

Are there phrases you hear yourself saying that are a tip that you don't have the full story? Have you tried actually answering the question with some speculation? Was it useful?

I would love to hear from you. Hit reply and let me know what's on your mind.

Know someone else who would enjoy this? They can subscribe here:

Thanks for reading! Happy Pride!

​Beyond Writing Code is a newsletter from Leaf (Jessica Roy).

You are subscribed as Reader.

​Unsubscribe | Preferences | 113 Cherry St #92768, Seattle, WA 98104-2205